By Jared Christophel
Growing up on a farm, I knew that leading a horse to water wouldn’t make him drink, but being a father to teens drove the point home, especially when my oldest stopped taking communion. My children have grown spiritually in fits and starts. The times when they have been having spiritual fits were also when they were least approachable. My attempts to engage their faith struggles from an intellectual standpoint would not generally result in any fruit but would usually seem to increase their frustration.
Wisdom for Engaging Your Child’s Unbelief
What follows is the wisdom I have learned in engaging unbelief in my children.
I recall distinct moments growing up when I acquired a sense of what it meant to believe in God. One of those times was as a child watching Indiana Jones in the Last Crusade. Harrison Ford closed his eyes, breathed deeply, and told himself he believed before stepping over the edge into the apparent void, only to step securely onto an invisible bridge. I’m not saying these were theologically correct moments, but they nonetheless informed my idea of what it meant to believe. Squeeze your eyes harder, and you can, by your own willpower, increase your faith.
Without going down a philosophical rabbit hole of what it means to believe something, we can at least state that Christ’s claims about belief indeed require a mental assent to and trust in that which we cannot see, much like Harrison Ford’s bridge.
[21] And Jesus answered them, “Truly, I say to you, if you have faith and do not doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ it will happen. [22] And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith.”
Matthew 21:21–22 (ESV)
Entering college, I understood belief as something I needed for salvation, but that is where it stopped. It was an intellectual decision, and as such, it was just like any philosophical debate I could ruminate on as long as I came down on the side of “yes, I believe.”
And wrestle with belief I did. One Sunday, my pastor in college said during a sermon, “If you want to believe, obey.” I don’t remember the specific theological reasoning, but I remember thinking how irrational that sounded. It seemed the philosophical equivalent of the tail wagging the dog. However, it stuck with me, and over time, with Christ’s sanctifying work in me, I have found it to be true. I think it goes something like this:
“Faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ” (Romans 10:17). If you want an increase in your faith, increase your hearing of the word of Christ. Set Him always before you, meditating and memorizing His word. You are what you behold. Your faith will increase not by your own eye-squeezing willpower but because of the grace flowing from our Lord through His word and through His spirit. Here enters the idea of the spiritual disciplines.
Out of the Overflow of the Heart, the Mouth Speaks
Many Christian leaders have championed disciplines over the centuries, but one of my favorites is Dallas Willard. One of his illustrations was of boys playing backyard baseball and emulating their favorite MLB player. As much as they wanted to hit the ball like Jose Canseco (ok, I’m old), it wouldn’t happen by closing their eyes tighter and wishing. It took 10,000 hours of practice. We might wear the bracelets that say WWJD, but our faith remains nascent (nonetheless sufficient) unless we are active disciples of Christ.
I’m trying to illustrate that how we perceive what it means to believe matters deeply when we try to address the “little faith” of our children. In my attempts to engage what I perceived to be intellectual struggles, I was generally met with intellectual repudiation, no matter how logical my words were. Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. What I failed to realize, of course, is that my child’s struggle was a heart issue.
Engaging a teenager’s heart can be messy, but realizing the core problem at least helps to narrow the father’s focus. You are what you behold. It isn’t as simple as instructing them to spend two hours a day in the Word and to put down the FIST (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok) that keeps punching them in the face. Because without faith, all obedience is worthless (Romans 14:23, Hebrews 11:6).
Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.
…my child’s struggle was a heart issue.
The Little Faith Must Want It
The “little faith” must want it. Encourage their heart that as long as that ember of belief engendered by the Spirit has sparked the fire, they can and will grow. Encourage them that the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step and that they don’t need to have all the answers (you never will).
In the case of my 18-year-old teenager, I encouraged her to engage her struggles but to follow the path of discipleship that had been set out by centuries of Christians. You are what you behold. In the end, Christ commanded us to take and eat, not take and understand.
Our role as fathers in shepherding our children through unbelief will differ depending on the age and stage of each child. We must be aware of the power of dopaminergic screens and set appropriate boundaries. Our children are in a “battle of beholding.” Until a certain age, we must keep watch at the gate.
I would be remiss if I left out one crucial part of engaging our children’s unbelief. The Catholic social scientist Arthur Brooks has noted that the number one factor relating to a child maintaining the faith of their family is the adherence of the father to the faith. As you know by now, our children see right through us.
Do you want that faith? Do you want your children to believe? Walk the walk. Don’t just close your eyes like Harrison Ford. Spend time in His Word. Go into your room and close the door to pray. Pray without ceasing (or at least three times a day). Spend time with fellow believers. Do good works. Meditate on His word. Memorize scripture. Read a book on spiritual disciplines. And cry out to our Heavenly Father, “Increase my faith!”
Read other blogs in the “Raising Boys to Become Men” series here.
Jared Christophel graduated from the College of William and Mary with a degree in Chemistry, and the University of Virginia with a Doctor of Medicine. He practiced Otolaryngology-Head and Neck Surgery at the University of Virginia for 10 years where he was awarded tenure. While in Charlottesville, he served on the board of Regents School of Charlottesville for six years. In 2020, Dr. Christophel left the academic world to join a private practice in Hampton, Virginia. Jared is married to Rebecca, a native of Yorktown, VA. Jared and Rebecca met on a medical missions trip in Peru, and he continues to serve on medical missions trips with ten trips to Kenya in as many years. They have four children who attend Summit Christian Academy at both the Grammar and Upper School. Dr. Christophel attends Peninsula Community Chapel.