By Jonathan Ashmore
Let me first say that no number of rules, or “dad sermons” (as my kids call them), will have much effect in planting the Gospel in our sons’ hearts if we ourselves are not first drinking from the wellspring of Christ.
There are many tools for developing manhood in your son’s life, but let me emphasize the power of one in particularāceremonies.
Put Away Childish Things
I did not grow up in a family that intentionally put my brothers and me through any official ceremonies to celebrate becoming men. However, I did experience the value of a thriving Boy Scout community.
Looking back, I recall the many lessons instilled in me through tent camping, hiking, backpacking, and cooking over fires in the freezing Michigan winters alongside other boys and young men with their fathers. Together, we watched these fathers and leaders guide, sacrifice, and teach us. In our cohort, we also watched them debate Christian principles and biblical ideas around the campfire. Boy Scouts used ceremonies to mark the growth in leadership as scouts matured from boys to men.
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NOTE: All readers should be aware of the significant cultural, ethical, and moral changes the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) have implemented throughout the years. Be advised that these shifts are significant rejections of Christian morals and a Christian worldview. In response, Trail Life has provided a better alternative to BSA. For more information, please see this response article to BSAās recent name change.
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Fast-forward to adulthood, and now I have two sons. I want to give them a similar chance to step through different “levels” of maturity. As a young father, I was exposed to the book Raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis. Lewis discusses an intentional multi-ceremonial process of escorting your boy into manhood by giving him goals, a masculine vision of godly leadership, an uncompromising code of conduct, and a noble cause. This was precisely what I wanted for my boys.
1 Corinthians 13:11 tells us that children speak and think as children, yet when they become men, they should put away childish things. If this is true, how can we do this aptly and at the appropriate time?
Today’s culture is filled with young men who have not been taught to take responsibility for their actions, inactions, or passivity. Just the other day, I witnessed just such passivity and immaturity. A young man in his early 20s pulled up to the gas pump beside me but stayed in the driver’s seat on his phone. A minute later, an older woman, presumably his mother, pulled into the pump in front of him and proceeded to pay for his gas and pump it for him. Of course, all the while, he sat selfishly on his phone.
Modern society grieves me quite a bit. I am saddened by today’s young men as we are fighting a battle for their souls. As fathers and father figures, it is our job to teach boys to lead courageously, sacrifice boldly, seek truth, and submit to the Lordship of Jesus.
āOur objective as moms and dads is to transform our sons from immature and flighty youngsters into honest, caring men who will be respectful of women, loyal and faithful in marriage, keepers of commitments, strong and decisive leaders, good workers, and men who are secure in their masculinity.ā ā James C. Dobson, Bringing Up Boys
Commemorate and Commission with Ceremony
Ceremonies are a way of commemorating clearly to our sons when and how to step from boyhood into manhood. A boy must know what it means to act and speak like a man. He needs to have a picture of how a man walks in faith, how he is exhorted by the word of God, and how to humble himself and give his life for his family and friends. Having a clear vision of manhood helps godly men hold their sons accountable for carrying out that vision.
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of including other godly men in the ceremony with your sons. Having other men speak truth to your boy reinforces what we, as parents, are teaching. I have had many opportunities to remind my son that his uncles, grandfathers, youth pastors, and other men in his life are pointing him to the same truth that his father is.
Grasping this, I organized a manhood ceremony with my son when he turned 14. There is no “right age,” but Robert Lewis does suggest a handful of ceremonies at specific ages. Ceremonies in the 11-13 years help point your boy to a vision of manhood, while ceremonies in the mid-to-upper teens help him live out his God-given vision.
Since my oldest son matured physically and spiritually quicker than many, I planned a ceremony for when he turned 14 years old, with the purpose of marking God’s calling on his life. 1 Thessalonians 5:14-24 provided the foundation of the ceremony and the commission to him as a young man.
These verses include:
- A man’s responsibility toward fellow Christians is to warn the unruly, comfort the fainthearted, help the weak, show patience with all, enforce justice, and pursue what is good.
- A man’s responsibility toward God is to rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and give thanks in all circumstances as he seeks to know God’s will through the ministry of the Holy Spirit.
- Lastly, it reminds men that they are not on a manhood journey alone; God Himself is the One who is sanctifying them and preserving them until Jesus returns.
We root our vision of manhood to our sons in Scripture because it is not “dad’s idea” but truths from God’s word.
Ceremonies Can be Powerful Reminders
God routinely commanded His people to remember His mighty works through ceremonies. Today, such ceremonies are used in the church similarly (e.g., we have powerful reminders today of our redemption in Christ through baptism and communion).
Placing a memorable ceremony in our sons’ lives helps us remind them of the commitment they made to live as godly men. May God give you a vision for your sons that can be firmly cemented in ceremony. May He also use these ceremonies to build them up as men who trust Christ’s finished work and become confident in their responsibility to Him.
The more we allow God’s word to permeate our hearts, the more our sons will see and emulate our behavior. The old saying that “more is caught than taught” is true in my family. Often, the negative aspects of my children’s character are manifestations of my own shortcomings. However, by God’s grace and through His patient work, we can become the kind of fathers our sons should emulate.
Let me say a quick word to fatherless families wondering how to raise boys to be men without a dad in the home. Although an in-home figure is absent, God has likely provided father figures to influence your boys. Neighbors, men at church, uncles, and friends are there to help. You are not alone on this journey, so be bold and ask them for support. And yes, it may take more than one influence to assist with this void, but integrating your boys into a community of men who can show them how godly men live is crucial.
Jonathan Ashmore is the father of two boys, 17 and 11, and two girls, 14 and 10, and has been faithfully married for 21 years. He has a BS in Computational Mathematics from Hillsdale College and is working on a graduate degree in Apologetics and Evangelism from Dallas Theological Seminary. During his 20-year USMC career as a pilot, he and his wife have been passionate about raising godly children and helping families with marriages and child-rearing. There is no higher calling than raising boys and girls to be faithful Christian men and women. Raising strong men who reject passivity and lead courageously following Christ’s example is crucial to a thriving Christian community.
Melissa says:
On each of our sonās 13th birthday, we asked 13 influential men in their life to send them a letter marking the shift from boyhood to manhood. The letters are word of advice, encouragement, and/or charge to them. All our sons have kept their letters and refer to them! When they turn 14, they work for a summer on a homestead and mark being responsible for themselves!
Edward Murray says:
Thank you for the comment Melissa! Although a child’s parent’s are their primary Senior Pastor’s, It’s very formative for other adults to be involved in the discipleship of our children. I’ve counseled many parents to celebrate (rather than take jealous offense) these types of relationships, because there are certain ways may children will receive communication from others just for the simple reason that they are ‘not’ our parents. Of course, these don’t happen apart from parents, but alongside.
Thanks again for partnering with us!
George Shaw says:
Love this! I believe this can really make an impact on our sons! I agree with you that we fathers must be authentically in love with Jesus if we expect our sons to be! Thanks for writing this! I hope many get a chance to see how ceremony in our Christian walk can make a difference in our sons lives.
Edward Murray says:
Thank you George! Blessings in your discipleship!
Stephanie Mackris says:
My oldest son is 17 and has been working very hard to be a witness on his menās gymnastics team. Over the years he has often been left out and teased because he has no interest in going to Hooters or entering conversations about sexual things. The coaches are not Christian and they are disappointed that he doesnāt spend more time with his team. Recently, he graduated from USNA Summer Seminar and to his surprise was elected team captain of his gymnastics team. Do you have any advice for him as he tries to establish godly principles into a program that does not recognize God?
Edward Murray says:
Wow ā thank you for the question Stephanie!
What an opportunity for him to be a leader for Christ! I would start by seeing this as the perfect place for him to be, rather than a burdensome place. Of course, that doesnāt mean it will be easy, and it will challenge him to dig deep for courage, but heās in a great place.
Here are some tips that may help:
1. Remain strong with his convictions. Seed are being planted, and the Lord will use them. Maybe not today, but we have no idea what will happen years from now. His coach and teammates see it and will remember. I came to know the Lord in college (roughly 25 yrs ago), and had to separate a good bit from many of my close friends at the time. We parted ways on a good note, but nevertheless I had to, and it wasnāt a small thing.
However, about 2 years ago, one of those people called me up (out of the blue; he searched me online) to let me know that he had become a Christian, and thought to re-connect with me. So, keep that in mind. Seeds are being planted.
2. Jesus sent out the disciples two by two. Iād look around to see if there is at least one Christian on his team that he can stay in a close, accountable relationship as they work together. <ā But if there isn't anyone, begin praying now, and have a close friend keep in weekly (if not daily or every other day with short check-ins) communication and accountability with. We aren't called to do it alone. 3. Speak with Godly, salt-seasoned language where possible (Col. 4:6) as he leads and performs with top excellence (according to his ability). This doesn't mean he has to evangelize all the time, but it should be obvious, very quickly in his relationships that he is a Christian; a follower of Jesus. 4. Lastly, there just may come a time where he may need to leave the team if the environment is too much to handle. His walk with Christ is more important, and if this is the case, prepare your hearts to leave it on the altar and trust our sovereign Lord if this happens. This doesn't mean he has to give up his craft completely, but it may be something that he could be called to do, trusting God with the outcome. But also ā the great news is that we can never 'out-give,' or 'out-sacrifice' God. He always gives more. This isn't health, wealth, and prosperity, but He is good and he will give the absolute best for his children (cf. Eric Liddell [also, just to re-emphasize that this does not mean health, wealth, and prosperity gospel). **I hope all or any of that helps. Regarding resources, check out the following: A) https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/night-changed-life/
B) https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/small-town-revival/
C) Lastly, I had the opportunity to go to a conference with Nate Solder (NY Giants), and he is an amazing athlete who loves Jesus. Iād encourage your son to look up his story to find encouragement:
https://blog.compassion.com/nfls-nate-solder-this-is-why-i-play-football/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiTOv4urs5M