By Michael Kuehni
“… bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Eph. 6:4 (ESV)
That’s it! Questions?
It seems so clear and simple, yet as a father of two teen boys, I can confidently say—it’s not. Parenting is often emotionally exhausting and constant. It exposes our sin and frequently humbles us to the point of despair. But praise God; His Word is sufficient to equip us for every good work. When we look at the training and admonition of the Lord, the way He raises up men in Scripture and in our lives, we see that His approach is a perfect balance of grace and discipline. When we remain in that balance as parents, God blesses those efforts, and there is fruit.
However, when grace turns into overindulging or discipline leads to exasperation, we’re out of balance, and our parenting efforts fall short. I will detail both to help us better recognize when we inevitably slip into these extremes. The quicker we recognize it, the quicker we can return to that balanced approach.
Are You a Giving Tree?
In the children’s book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein, we read about an apple tree that gives everything it can to support and love a boy from childhood through old age. The tree allows the boy to climb and swing on its branches, then gives its apples to sell, its branches to build a house, and its trunk to build a boat. The tree gives and gives to the point of having only a stump for the boy to sit on when he is old. Throughout his life, the boy takes and takes with the same emotionless disposition.
Some would say it’s a beautiful and loving story. Perhaps. I’d argue that it’s a sad picture of how 20-plus-year-old boys end up living in their parents’ basements, playing video games, and eating Cheetos. If parents give and give without training the mind, boys tend to keep coming back for more handouts, shirking their responsibilities, and living slothful and passive lives.
We see the same when Old Testament fathers like Eli, Samuel, David, and Solomon overindulge their sons. It is good to give gifts to our boys, but when those gifts become expected (often accompanied by a lack of gratitude), that is a sign that our parenting is out of balance. In these moments, I (the more natural ‘training tree’) tend to be the one that raises the point to my wife (the more natural ‘giving tree’) that we need to move back towards a focus on discipline.
How did we get to this extreme in the first place? We just wanted to make that hormonal teen happy and content! What we’ve found, however, is that no matter how much we give him, it never seems to be enough.
I’m reminded that our own lack of joy and contentment is never fulfilled by material things. Our real need is Jesus; the same is true for our boys. They need to be lovingly and patiently pointed back to the Gospel over and over.
Are You Exasperating Your Sons?
The other extreme that indicates an unbalanced parenting approach is when our children become overwhelmed by our training.
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the
discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Ephesians 6:4 (ESV)
The Greek word for anger here is parorgizete, which implies exasperation or frustration. It is when a child feels the training is too much to carry or there isn’t a feasible way to move forward. Moreover, it is also interesting that Paul directs this point to fathers, both here and in Colossians 3:21. Why is that?
I believe that we, as fathers, often forget we’re bringing our children up in the Lord’s training, not our own. Too often, I allow ‘my kingdom’ to be front and center, which leads to a myriad of problems that result in parorgizete. Here are a few:
Over-Sensitivity
Often, my son’s sin can feel like a personal attack. This can drive me to an emotional response, which then triggers the hormonal teen to anger and deflects attention from the original sin. Thus, the training opportunity gets missed.
However, if dads keep God’s kingdom in mind, we will instead see their sin as an affront to Him, which will yield our approach to be calmer and more patient. We will see their sin as an opportunity to help them rather than fight them because we’re in the same battle.
Keep in mind that growing boys will want to have the alpha male, toe-to-toe spar with dad because they see our weakness. It is important to redirect their sin to the true King, who brings the proudest of men to their knees.
Overprotectiveness
Of course, let’s start with this fact: Dads should be protectors.
However, when this denies our sons opportunities to earn trust, training will be stifled. With just our ‘kingdom’ in mind, it’s easy to remain rigid and unchanging because it’s easier to protect what we feel we can control. With God’s kingdom in mind, we remember His protection is all-powerful and infinite. This can enable fathers to take some wise risks that allow their sons to gain more trust and learn from failures.
Overtraining
When we think our son’s future sanctification hinges solely on our training, it’s easy to become overbearing. If we carry such a heavy burden, we will become slaves to teach and train.
Sons will feel overwhelmed.
Their ears will close.
Their desire to learn will diminish.
If boys don’t hear and heed the instructions of their fathers, they may struggle to become Godly men.
Grace Puts Our Parenting Back in Balance
At the end of the day, shifting our efforts towards grace puts our parenting back in balance. For example, I have found that inviting my son out to dinner to meet one-on-one is most effective. Listening, empathizing, clarifying his perspective, and even repenting where personally needed builds trust and open communication more than provoking ever would.
Ultimately, our calling is to model our parenting after our Heavenly Father’s parenting. God’s loving grace and His timely discipline provide the model of balance we need in raising our boys to be Godly men.
Lastly, the reality is that we can’t do this alone. Prayerlessness is a dependency on oneself. After all, if we can tackle this on our own, then there’s no need to ask for help and intervention.
But let’s get real. We know we’re helpless in our flesh. Prayer, at its essence, is admitting this, looking to the Father, and asking Him to do the work for us and through us. Bringing our children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord requires our energy to be spent there.
When all is said and done, may the sum of our life be one spent and bathed in prayer.
Read the first installment of the Raising Boys to Become Men series here.
Michael Kuehni currently serves as an elder at Peninsula Community Chapel, Yorktown, Virginia, and as a Colonel in the USAF. He is a Virginia native, a UVA grad, and has an M.A. in Theological Studies from Liberty University. He has been married to his bride, Jamie, for 20 years, and they have three children, 17, 15, and 7. In his spare time he loves meeting with and discipling young men.