By Jonathan Ashmore
Let me first say that no number of rules, or “dad sermons” (as my kids call them), will have much effect in planting the Gospel in our sons’ hearts if we ourselves are not first drinking from the wellspring of Christ.
There are many tools for developing manhood in your son’s life, but let me emphasize the power of one in particular—ceremonies.
Put Away Childish Things
I did not grow up in a family that intentionally put my brothers and me through any official ceremonies to celebrate becoming men. However, I did experience the value of a thriving Boy Scout community.
Looking back, I recall the many lessons instilled in me through tent camping, hiking, backpacking, and cooking over fires in the freezing Michigan winters alongside other boys and young men with their fathers. Together, we watched these fathers and leaders guide, sacrifice, and teach us. In our cohort, we also watched them debate Christian principles and biblical ideas around the campfire. Boy Scouts used ceremonies to mark the growth in leadership as scouts matured from boys to men.
NOTE: All readers should be aware of the significant cultural, ethical, and moral changes the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) have implemented throughout the years. Be advised that these shifts are significant rejections of Christian morals and a Christian worldview. In response, Trail Life has provided a better alternative to BSA. For more information, please see this response article to BSA’s recent name change.
Fast-forward to adulthood, and now I have two sons. I want to give them a similar chance to step through different “levels” of maturity. As a young father, I was exposed to the book Raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis. Lewis discusses an intentional multi-ceremonial process of escorting your boy into manhood by giving him goals, a masculine vision of godly leadership, an uncompromising code of conduct, and a noble cause. This was precisely what I wanted for my boys.
1 Corinthians 13:11 tells us that children speak and think as children, yet when they become men, they should put away childish things. If this is true, how can we do this aptly and at the appropriate time?
Today’s culture is filled with young men who have not been taught to take responsibility for their actions, inactions, or passivity. Just the other day, I witnessed just such passivity and immaturity. A young man in his early 20s pulled up to the gas pump beside me but stayed in the driver’s seat on his phone. A minute later, an older woman, presumably his mother, pulled into the pump in front of him and proceeded to pay for his gas and pump it for him. Of course, all the while, he sat selfishly on his phone.
Modern society grieves me quite a bit. I am saddened by today’s young men as we are fighting a battle for their souls. As fathers and father figures, it is our job to teach boys to lead courageously, sacrifice boldly, seek truth, and submit to the Lordship of Jesus.
“Our objective as moms and dads is to transform our sons from immature and flighty youngsters into honest, caring men who will be respectful of women, loyal and faithful in marriage, keepers of commitments, strong and decisive leaders, good workers, and men who are secure in their masculinity.” ― James C. Dobson, Bringing Up Boys
Commemorate and Commission with Ceremony
Ceremonies are a way of commemorating clearly to our sons when and how to step from boyhood into manhood. A boy must know what it means to act and speak like a man. He needs to have a picture of how a man walks in faith, how he is exhorted by the word of God, and how to humble himself and give his life for his family and friends. Having a clear vision of manhood helps godly men hold their sons accountable for carrying out that vision.
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of including other godly men in the ceremony with your sons. Having other men speak truth to your boy reinforces what we, as parents, are teaching. I have had many opportunities to remind my son that his uncles, grandfathers, youth pastors, and other men in his life are pointing him to the same truth that his father is.
Grasping this, I organized a manhood ceremony with my son when he turned 14. There is no “right age,” but Robert Lewis does suggest a handful of ceremonies at specific ages. Ceremonies in the 11-13 years help point your boy to a vision of manhood, while ceremonies in the mid-to-upper teens help him live out his God-given vision.
Since my oldest son matured physically and spiritually quicker than many, I planned a ceremony for when he turned 14 years old, with the purpose of marking God’s calling on his life. 1 Thessalonians 5:14-24 provided the foundation of the ceremony and the commission to him as a young man.
These verses include:
- A man’s responsibility toward fellow Christians is to warn the unruly, comfort the fainthearted, help the weak, show patience with all, enforce justice, and pursue what is good.
- A man’s responsibility toward God is to rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and give thanks in all circumstances as he seeks to know God’s will through the ministry of the Holy Spirit.
- Lastly, it reminds men that they are not on a manhood journey alone; God Himself is the One who is sanctifying them and preserving them until Jesus returns.
We root our vision of manhood to our sons in Scripture because it is not “dad’s idea” but truths from God’s word.
Ceremonies Can be Powerful Reminders
God routinely commanded His people to remember His mighty works through ceremonies. Today, such ceremonies are used in the church similarly (e.g., we have powerful reminders today of our redemption in Christ through baptism and communion).
Placing a memorable ceremony in our sons’ lives helps us remind them of the commitment they made to live as godly men. May God give you a vision for your sons that can be firmly cemented in ceremony. May He also use these ceremonies to build them up as men who trust Christ’s finished work and become confident in their responsibility to Him.
The more we allow God’s word to permeate our hearts, the more our sons will see and emulate our behavior. The old saying that “more is caught than taught” is true in my family. Often, the negative aspects of my children’s character are manifestations of my own shortcomings. However, by God’s grace and through His patient work, we can become the kind of fathers our sons should emulate.
Let me say a quick word to fatherless families wondering how to raise boys to be men without a dad in the home. Although an in-home figure is absent, God has likely provided father figures to influence your boys. Neighbors, men at church, uncles, and friends are there to help. You are not alone on this journey, so be bold and ask them for support. And yes, it may take more than one influence to assist with this void, but integrating your boys into a community of men who can show them how godly men live is crucial.
Jonathan Ashmore is the father of two boys, 17 and 11, and two girls, 14 and 10, and has been faithfully married for 21 years. He has a BS in Computational Mathematics from Hillsdale College and is working on a graduate degree in Apologetics and Evangelism from Dallas Theological Seminary. During his 20-year USMC career as a pilot, he and his wife have been passionate about raising godly children and helping families with marriages and child-rearing. There is no higher calling than raising boys and girls to be faithful Christian men and women. Raising strong men who reject passivity and lead courageously following Christ’s example is crucial to a thriving Christian community.