Raising Boys Archives - Homeschool Freedom Action Center

By Michael Kuehni

“… bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Eph. 6:4 (ESV)

That’s it! Questions?

It seems so clear and simple, yet as a father of two teen boys, I can confidently say—it’s not. Parenting is often emotionally exhausting and constant. It exposes our sin and frequently humbles us to the point of despair. But praise God; His Word is sufficient to equip us for every good work. When we look at the training and admonition of the Lord, the way He raises up men in Scripture and in our lives, we see that His approach is a perfect balance of grace and discipline. When we remain in that balance as parents, God blesses those efforts, and there is fruit.

However, when grace turns into overindulging or discipline leads to exasperation, we’re out of balance, and our parenting efforts fall short. I will detail both to help us better recognize when we inevitably slip into these extremes. The quicker we recognize it, the quicker we can return to that balanced approach.

Are You a Giving Tree?

In the children’s book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein, we read about an apple tree that gives everything it can to support and love a boy from childhood through old age. The tree allows the boy to climb and swing on its branches, then gives its apples to sell, its branches to build a house, and its trunk to build a boat. The tree gives and gives to the point of having only a stump for the boy to sit on when he is old. Throughout his life, the boy takes and takes with the same emotionless disposition.

Some would say it’s a beautiful and loving story. Perhaps. I’d argue that it’s a sad picture of how 20-plus-year-old boys end up living in their parents’ basements, playing video games, and eating Cheetos. If parents give and give without training the mind, boys tend to keep coming back for more handouts, shirking their responsibilities, and living slothful and passive lives.

We see the same when Old Testament fathers like Eli, Samuel, David, and Solomon overindulge their sons. It is good to give gifts to our boys, but when those gifts become expected (often accompanied by a lack of gratitude), that is a sign that our parenting is out of balance. In these moments, I (the more natural ‘training tree’) tend to be the one that raises the point to my wife (the more natural ‘giving tree’) that we need to move back towards a focus on discipline.

How did we get to this extreme in the first place? We just wanted to make that hormonal teen happy and content! What we’ve found, however, is that no matter how much we give him, it never seems to be enough.

I’m reminded that our own lack of joy and contentment is never fulfilled by material things. Our real need is Jesus; the same is true for our boys. They need to be lovingly and patiently pointed back to the Gospel over and over.

Are You Exasperating Your Sons?

The other extreme that indicates an unbalanced parenting approach is when our children become overwhelmed by our training.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the
discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Ephesians 6:4 (ESV)

The Greek word for anger here is parorgizete, which implies exasperation or frustration. It is when a child feels the training is too much to carry or there isn’t a feasible way to move forward. Moreover, it is also interesting that Paul directs this point to fathers, both here and in Colossians 3:21. Why is that?

I believe that we, as fathers, often forget we’re bringing our children up in the Lord’s training, not our own. Too often, I allow ‘my kingdom’ to be front and center, which leads to a myriad of problems that result in parorgizete. Here are a few:

Over-Sensitivity

Often, my son’s sin can feel like a personal attack. This can drive me to an emotional response, which then triggers the hormonal teen to anger and deflects attention from the original sin. Thus, the training opportunity gets missed.

However, if dads keep God’s kingdom in mind, we will instead see their sin as an affront to Him, which will yield our approach to be calmer and more patient. We will see their sin as an opportunity to help them rather than fight them because we’re in the same battle.

Keep in mind that growing boys will want to have the alpha male, toe-to-toe spar with dad because they see our weakness. It is important to redirect their sin to the true King, who brings the proudest of men to their knees.

Overprotectiveness

Of course, let’s start with this fact: Dads should be protectors.

However, when this denies our sons opportunities to earn trust, training will be stifled. With just our ‘kingdom’ in mind, it’s easy to remain rigid and unchanging because it’s easier to protect what we feel we can control. With God’s kingdom in mind, we remember His protection is all-powerful and infinite. This can enable fathers to take some wise risks that allow their sons to gain more trust and learn from failures.

Overtraining

When we think our son’s future sanctification hinges solely on our training, it’s easy to become overbearing. If we carry such a heavy burden, we will become slaves to teach and train.

Sons will feel overwhelmed.

Their ears will close.

Their desire to learn will diminish.

If boys don’t hear and heed the instructions of their fathers, they may struggle to become Godly men.

Grace Puts Our Parenting Back in Balance

At the end of the day, shifting our efforts towards grace puts our parenting back in balance. For example, I have found that inviting my son out to dinner to meet one-on-one is most effective. Listening, empathizing, clarifying his perspective, and even repenting where personally needed builds trust and open communication more than provoking ever would.

Ultimately, our calling is to model our parenting after our Heavenly Father’s parenting. God’s loving grace and His timely discipline provide the model of balance we need in raising our boys to be Godly men.

Lastly, the reality is that we can’t do this alone. Prayerlessness is a dependency on oneself. After all, if we can tackle this on our own, then there’s no need to ask for help and intervention.

But let’s get real. We know we’re helpless in our flesh. Prayer, at its essence, is admitting this, looking to the Father, and asking Him to do the work for us and through us. Bringing our children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord requires our energy to be spent there.

When all is said and done, may the sum of our life be one spent and bathed in prayer.

Read the first installment of the Raising Boys to Become Men series here.

Michael Kuehni currently serves as an elder at Peninsula Community Chapel, Yorktown, Virginia, and as a Colonel in the USAF. He is a Virginia native, a UVA grad, and has an M.A. in Theological Studies from Liberty University. He has been married to his bride, Jamie, for 20 years, and they have three children, 17, 15, and 7. In his spare time he loves meeting with and discipling young men.

By Jonathan Ashmore

Let me first say that no number of rules, or “dad sermons” (as my kids call them), will have much effect in planting the Gospel in our sons’ hearts if we ourselves are not first drinking from the wellspring of Christ.

There are many tools for developing manhood in your son’s life, but let me emphasize the power of one in particular—ceremonies.

Put Away Childish Things

I did not grow up in a family that intentionally put my brothers and me through any official ceremonies to celebrate becoming men. However, I did experience the value of a thriving Boy Scout community.

Looking back, I recall the many lessons instilled in me through tent camping, hiking, backpacking, and cooking over fires in the freezing Michigan winters alongside other boys and young men with their fathers. Together, we watched these fathers and leaders guide, sacrifice, and teach us. In our cohort, we also watched them debate Christian principles and biblical ideas around the campfire. Boy Scouts used ceremonies to mark the growth in leadership as scouts matured from boys to men.

NOTE: All readers should be aware of the significant cultural, ethical, and moral changes the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) have implemented throughout the years. Be advised that these shifts are significant rejections of Christian morals and a Christian worldview. In response, Trail Life has provided a better alternative to BSA. For more information, please see this response article to BSA’s recent name change.

Fast-forward to adulthood, and now I have two sons. I want to give them a similar chance to step through different “levels” of maturity. As a young father, I was exposed to the book Raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis. Lewis discusses an intentional multi-ceremonial process of escorting your boy into manhood by giving him goals, a masculine vision of godly leadership, an uncompromising code of conduct, and a noble cause. This was precisely what I wanted for my boys.

1 Corinthians 13:11 tells us that children speak and think as children, yet when they become men, they should put away childish things. If this is true, how can we do this aptly and at the appropriate time?

Today’s culture is filled with young men who have not been taught to take responsibility for their actions, inactions, or passivity. Just the other day, I witnessed just such passivity and immaturity. A young man in his early 20s pulled up to the gas pump beside me but stayed in the driver’s seat on his phone. A minute later, an older woman, presumably his mother, pulled into the pump in front of him and proceeded to pay for his gas and pump it for him. Of course, all the while, he sat selfishly on his phone.

Modern society grieves me quite a bit. I am saddened by today’s young men as we are fighting a battle for their souls. As fathers and father figures, it is our job to teach boys to lead courageously, sacrifice boldly, seek truth, and submit to the Lordship of Jesus.

“Our objective as moms and dads is to transform our sons from immature and flighty youngsters into honest, caring men who will be respectful of women, loyal and faithful in marriage, keepers of commitments, strong and decisive leaders, good workers, and men who are secure in their masculinity.” ― James C. Dobson, Bringing Up Boys

Commemorate and Commission with Ceremony

Ceremonies are a way of commemorating clearly to our sons when and how to step from boyhood into manhood. A boy must know what it means to act and speak like a man. He needs to have a picture of how a man walks in faith, how he is exhorted by the word of God, and how to humble himself and give his life for his family and friends. Having a clear vision of manhood helps godly men hold their sons accountable for carrying out that vision.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of including other godly men in the ceremony with your sons. Having other men speak truth to your boy reinforces what we, as parents, are teaching. I have had many opportunities to remind my son that his uncles, grandfathers, youth pastors, and other men in his life are pointing him to the same truth that his father is.

Grasping this, I organized a manhood ceremony with my son when he turned 14. There is no “right age,” but Robert Lewis does suggest a handful of ceremonies at specific ages. Ceremonies in the 11-13 years help point your boy to a vision of manhood, while ceremonies in the mid-to-upper teens help him live out his God-given vision.

Since my oldest son matured physically and spiritually quicker than many, I planned a ceremony for when he turned 14 years old, with the purpose of marking God’s calling on his life. 1 Thessalonians 5:14-24 provided the foundation of the ceremony and the commission to him as a young man.

These verses include:

A man’s responsibility toward fellow Christians is to warn the unruly, comfort the fainthearted, help the weak, show patience with all, enforce justice, and pursue what is good.
A man’s responsibility toward God is to rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and give thanks in all circumstances as he seeks to know God’s will through the ministry of the Holy Spirit.
Lastly, it reminds men that they are not on a manhood journey alone; God Himself is the One who is sanctifying them and preserving them until Jesus returns.

We root our vision of manhood to our sons in Scripture because it is not “dad’s idea” but truths from God’s word.

Ceremonies Can be Powerful Reminders

God routinely commanded His people to remember His mighty works through ceremonies. Today, such ceremonies are used in the church similarly (e.g., we have powerful reminders today of our redemption in Christ through baptism and communion).

Placing a memorable ceremony in our sons’ lives helps us remind them of the commitment they made to live as godly men. May God give you a vision for your sons that can be firmly cemented in ceremony. May He also use these ceremonies to build them up as men who trust Christ’s finished work and become confident in their responsibility to Him.

The more we allow God’s word to permeate our hearts, the more our sons will see and emulate our behavior. The old saying that “more is caught than taught” is true in my family. Often, the negative aspects of my children’s character are manifestations of my own shortcomings. However, by God’s grace and through His patient work, we can become the kind of fathers our sons should emulate.

Let me say a quick word to fatherless families wondering how to raise boys to be men without a dad in the home. Although an in-home figure is absent, God has likely provided father figures to influence your boys. Neighbors, men at church, uncles, and friends are there to help. You are not alone on this journey, so be bold and ask them for support. And yes, it may take more than one influence to assist with this void, but integrating your boys into a community of men who can show them how godly men live is crucial.

Jonathan Ashmore is the father of two boys, 17 and 11, and two girls, 14 and 10, and has been faithfully married for 21 years. He has a BS in Computational Mathematics from Hillsdale College and is working on a graduate degree in Apologetics and Evangelism from Dallas Theological Seminary. During his 20-year USMC career as a pilot, he and his wife have been passionate about raising godly children and helping families with marriages and child-rearing. There is no higher calling than raising boys and girls to be faithful Christian men and women. Raising strong men who reject passivity and lead courageously following Christ’s example is crucial to a thriving Christian community.

Tag: Raising Boys

Raising Boys to Become Men: The Discipline of the Lord